Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
