just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
COCAINE IS GR8
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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