It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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