420 ftw
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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