Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
