A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
