Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
