we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
