Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
