i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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