I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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