I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
