I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
