CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
