We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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