What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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