Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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