see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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