So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
