Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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