Your mouth is God's brothel.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
