and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
