I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
