I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
