I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
