My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
