I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize