i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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