Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
