I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize