No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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