I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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