I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
