man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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