i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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