How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
