wrigley field is MILF paradise
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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