Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize