ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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