Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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