we have pet lesbian snakes
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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