Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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