Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
