Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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