Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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