hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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