apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
