Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Couch. On fire.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize