I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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