final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
