There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
