Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you traded sex for a burrito?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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