so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
