But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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