im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
