he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize