Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
