Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
