Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
