sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
