When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
